All about the books: One wonders what the MUN revision will turn out to be

Memorial University is coming under investigation by Newfoundland and Labrador’s Auditor General. (Paul Daly / CBC)

This column is a satirical statement by Edward Riche, a St. John’s writer.


It has taken many years, but the government of Newfoundland and, uh, & Labrador have finally come together to give the Auditor General access to the bizarre state-in-a-state known as the Memorial University of Newfoundland and Labrador, or “MUN, b” y. “

Despite the fact that MUN’s community has long been closed and secretive, some things are clear to visitors. The infrastructure is literally crumbling, even though expensive new structures are being built to honor its leadership / clergy class.

And we can confidently say that the huge dirt tracks on campus dedicated to parking indicate that there is a cult on the car.

We can only speculate wildly about what the Auditor General will discover when light is shed on the shady world that Memorial University is.

Still, the following things should be among the results …

The notion that the university should be a center of innovation, a source of new ideas, contradicts that it is a temple of orthodoxy.

Since learning has generally been replaced by training, the term “higher education” should be replaced by “advanced preparatory”.

The cost of removing incompetent or disrupted faculties is so high that they are routinely maintained.

Each new social issue and consequent agendas will result in a different level of management.

The faculty spends a third of their working time answering unnecessary emails from other academics.

Scenes like this – where tarpaulins and duct tape help direct rainwater down into buckets – have been common at MUN’s St. John’s campus for years. (Cec Haire / CBC)

The Rate My Professor website has caused a 35 percent increase in grades.

Banning the use of the words “committee,” “heteronormative,” “colonial,” and “cross or space” will save more than $ 1 million a year in computer processing power. The over-consumption of terminology should be reviewed every 10 years.

Political science is not one. Half of the faculty could be replaced by old issues of the Economist and the Guardian.

Half of the Faculty of Economics could be replaced by the Baltic Dry Index and an Ouija Board.

The old Thomson Student Center drug market should be re-established as a profit center for the university.

Without predators, the population of vice presidents and executive assistants has grown out of control, and a killing may be necessary.

Deferred maintenance is so far advanced that in many cases it will be more economical to demolish buildings. Doing so while staff and faculty are within, to reduce costs, cannot be considered for moral and legal reasons.

The Core Science Facility is the latest building to rise on Memorial’s main campus in St. Louis. John’s. (Paul Daly / CBC)

Dividing the institution into natural sciences and humanities no longer reflects its reality as being one part relativists, two parts empiricists, and three parts leadership.

The profitability of retail undergraduate programs is only made possible by the continued gross economic utilization of session teachers.

The English department’s BDSM sex dungeon has never been used since it was built in 1989.

The retention of graduates from medical school is so low that the $ 54 million budget would be better spent simply hiring doctors instead of training them to practice elsewhere.

Because this is Newfoundland and Labrador, the most horrific examples of mismanagement will go unpunished, with those in charge remaining in their positions until they are eligible for generous pensions.

Memorial University’s administrative bloating, lack of consumption, inefficiency, poor productivity, and burden of idiots reflect the government so closely that the institution could be seamlessly transformed into a department.

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